RSS Feed

Author Archives: lovinglena

And I will never have another job in my life…

Posted on

Two weeks ago I had an epiphany. For the previous month I had been dedicating several hours a day into seeking out a new job.  I quit my last job because it sucked and everyday felt like the life inside of me was literally being zapped out of me. I moved cities and now find myself with the opportunity to find a new job that (in my fantasies) will finally fulfill my search for happiness, or at least one that didn’t have me counting the days until my death. 

I had a job interview for a role that I felt offered more than what I’ve had in previous jobs. It was part-time, so I could spend more time with my daughter. It paid more. It offered more challenging work so I could definitely enhance my own skill set, and it was in a creative environment so I wouldn’t be constantly surrounded with the typical stressed out, elitist corporate types. I didn’t get the job.

I didn’t know whether I should be disappointed that I wasn’t ‘selected’ or relieved I didn’t have to return to ‘dread’.  I told myself “If it isn’t meant to be then it isn’t meant to be. God has something greater in store for you”.  But then I realised I didn’t actually want it. I only convinced myself that it would have been great because it offered more than the last job – but did that make it the job I actually wanted? When telling friends about the role it seemed like a great role but then I was focusing on the usual perks that make a job appear attractive to the ordinary job seeker. Of course I realise now that was my social conditioning at work again convincing me to choose something more  ‘acceptable’ and ‘rational’.  Having time to sit down and contemplate it, I realise what I truly want this job cannot offer.  Freedom.

Freedom to work my own hours, freedom to take a break whenever I please, freedom to develop and contribute my own ideas whenever I please, freedom to set my own agenda and freedom to simply live the life I want. For me to look for a regular 9-5  job as I always have, working in an office, commuting for two hours a day,  would be quite simply to turn my back on what I truly want. Freedom. I want a life! I want to live!

The weeks I’ve been unemployed I have been able to walk my daughter to school every morning and pick her up which I absolutely cherish. I’ve been able to read and research things I wouldn’t normally have time to do.  I’ve been able to exercise regularly and relax every single day. Just to be clear, I am not a lazy person who sits around all day in front of the TV.   This time has been an eye-opener because while I may be jobless, broke and homeless (living with relatives), I am free. I’m happy. No  job I have ever had has allowed me similar freedom.

And now I have decided to invest in a home-based business.  Of course I have no money whatsoever to start with and I have thought about this for the last three years. I don’t even know how to do this and what the outcome will be.  But I am completely dedicated to this because this is the key role that will allow me to live my life as freely as I please and I do believe I’ve found the perfect home based business. 

Life is too short and too precious.  I have made a pact with myself that I will commit to this and do whatever it takes to reach my goals.  Why should I continue to place my future and security in the hands of someone else who couldn’t care less about my  happiness?  There are people worldwide quitting the corporate world to work from home and pursue more fulfilling lives. I figure if they can do it, I can. 

I love this article, “10 reasons you should never get a job” by Steve Pavlina. It sums up so many good reasons why I am making this decision and why I am finally breaking out of my cage and flying off to live my own life. And I will never have another job in my life. So goodbye to all you stuffy bosses working 60 hours a week – I don’t envy you at all.


Time to revise those goals….tick, tick, tick

Posted on

A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.  ~John B. Priestly

It is definitely true that as a kid time seems to go on forever. The anticipation of waiting to grow up so you can finally roam free to do as you please, seems to drag on and on. Yet once you reach that point somewhere between adolescence and the new quarter life crisis, the clock speeds up almost mockingly, and next thing you know you’re sitting there with blank wonder asking “where did the time go?” Or more dramatically, “what have I done with my life?”

My previous post was my first attempt to start a new challenge this year that would mark a vital point in time for me. That point in time being one of complete change in how I choose to live my life from hereon.  It has taken me over two months to start a second post, so while I have obviously procrastinated, I congratulate myself on not having given up and managing to finalize a second post.  So to somewhat endeavour in embracing this desperate change and before any more time flies by, here it goes.

I have made several lists of goals – those suckers that keep teasing me “come and get me if you can”.  I could list them all now but I would probably tire of writing by the end of it, then be faced with the challenge I face all too often –  ‘to procrastinate or not to procrastinate?’.  Then again my list of goals would sit before me and ask me “are you just gonna stare at me all day?” After twelve months of reading up on personal development my response would be “No, I’m trying to bloody focus on creating the images of achieving each of you in my head!” They can really annoy me some days.

I can say I have experienced change in the pursuit of a few goals which I’ll mention.  I have attempted to read each of my goals regularly so I can somehow put into practice the ‘laws of attraction’ and manifest them sooner. I suppose I have an idle hope that somehow they will imprint into my subconscious and then maybe something ‘magical’ will happen overnight.  Perhaps I will have a vision that will reveal all to me? But then could it ever be that simple?

The ultimate goal – Happiness. Apparently there seems to be a depression epidemic going on in the world greater and more harmful than any epidemic in history. If one more person can have true happiness then surely there is hope for the rest of mankind. I wish to finally be free of the constant depression I have dragged around with me for so many years. Free of all the damaging self-talk, free of the past and its haunting memories, free of everything that has kept me from being truly happy.  Last year I met up with a friend I hadn’t seen in over a year who handed me a book – Marci Shimoff’s ‘Happy for No Reason’. We were discussing our own individual journeys, and this book was one she felt I could appreciate. While it might appear common sense to others that one can be happy right now despite being in a dire situation, I never truly felt what that meant until reading this book.  I did wonder why that despite having a Baptist upbringing with all its spiritual teachings, its taken a self-help book for me to come to terms with this idea.  (That is of course another blog topic). But reading this definitely gave me the motivation to be happy right now, not when I finally reach a size 8, or meet Mr. Perfect, not when I’ve finished reading a whole volume of ‘how to’ books, but right now. Setting aside all the crap that goes through my mind on a daily basis, I realise I am such a different person with so much freedom to achieve anything.  How liberating that is!

The inner peace goal – The pursuit of inner peace might seem too airy-fairy for some people, but if like me you are determined to find true balance and happiness having tried numerous other routes to find complete satisfaction, then you too will no doubt seek inner peace at some point.  I have made time to be still each day, or simply sit in silence and let go of all the mind traffic. This might be either at night before bed or going for a walk or simply sitting at the park. I took a free meditation class which made so much difference to me so I plan to continue. Of course I have never managed to achieve any session without a million thoughts going through my head but I figure with practice I will get there and the outcome will be worth it. What do I have to lose? And the best part is that most meditation classes and retreats are free or run on donations. Not that money should be the one motivator but when you don’t have much to begin with it does help yeah? I have taken more interest in spirituality so I intend to read up on that a bit more and see what I can discover and learn.  I have noticed a more calm approach in my day and feeling more relaxed. This is a huge achievement considering having inherited my mother’s quick-temper and having my own tendency to become completely overwhelmed by my emotions – sometimes to a frightening point I scare myself.  I figure the meditation has got to be working.

The work goal – In the past few months I have gone through some major changes. I quit my job in February, then moved cities. I am now living with relatives in a new city. I am unemployed and feeling far more calm and free than I have in a long time.  The whole monotonous routine of getting up at 5.30am to get my daughter ready for school, catch the bus, then train, bus again, walk to school, walk back to the bus, bus again, arrive at work 8.30am, work unmotivated dreading every day, then to have to do the routine all over again arriving home 7.30pm exhausted, was of course insane. While I hoped things would change once I found my own place closer to work, I knew in my heart I wasn’t happy where I was.  So rather than continue hoping I would somehow find happiness in the next day I chose to change my situation completely. Because I had to either change it or accept it (This I learned from ‘The Power of Now’). And I most definitely wasn’t going to accept a situation that left me feeling exhausted, unappreciated and trapped. I thought, “I have goals! I want to travel and see the world, not be stuck in this office space! I don’t want a mediocre life!” All around me people seemed to be the same, that is, committed to work for a company for years of their life despite the daily complaints of being underpaid and overworked, getting married (of course complaining about that too), having kids, paying mortgages, and then more complaints. That life to me is mediocre and has never held any appeal to me whatsoever. None. Zilch. It may be perfect bliss to someone else and there of course is nothing wrong with that. But I however know that life is not for me.  I being 31, a single mum with no assets and no clear vision of a career, roaming from one city to the next talking of true happiness seemed somewhat the amusing exception.  I refuse to conform simply because it is the norm.

Leaving work was a strange situation where I was both nervous and waiting in suspense. I called a meeting with my boss who was already in a bad mood  so he wasn’t interested in why I was leaving and certainly didn’t care that I had put in almost a year of dedication despite his erratic mood swings and a lack of training and support for my role.  On my final day, I received a mere handshake.  I suppose it’s more than I have received in some other jobs but that made me realise I can never again work for someone who only views me as a means to benefit the company. I refuse to work in a role where I am unappreciated and taken for granted.  It is degrading and I am worth more than that.

Now I am seeking out that one job – that job that is so amazing it makes me feel ecstatic to know I even have it. It’s the job that I love, and that is one of my goals this year. I’ve spent time surfing the net looking for those gemstone articles to really get my blood pumping and this is one of them.

I have a history of only working short roles so in hindsight it seems that maybe it’s because I have never been happy. I am always looking to try something new because I know I cannot work somewhere where I am not happy.  The only problem is I obviously haven’t been using the right strategy to land that one job that I know I will work in for life.  So this is where the happiness goal comes in, to help me with the work goal.  I have been in Sydney almost a month and have been fighting a nagging voice in my head telling me that I should be working by now. But as Alexander Kjerulf says on his article above, I must be patient. I know I could have easily gotten a job by now if I just took what I was offered by another agency. When I get a call about a job I know I don’t really want, I get this immediate sinking feeling in my stomach  and I figure straight away it’s a sign. I am fighting between taking a job so I can finally get an income and stop living here rent-free, or hold out for that amazing job I have dreamed of for years.  I have to start listening to my gut and focus on what it is I really want. It’s a great feeling knowing that I am trying to make a difference in my life and that I am slowly breaking out of my own cycle of short-term, uninteresting, soul-destroying roles.  So I am happy to be in this situation where I am no longer a corporate robot, but in control of my destiny on the path to finally working in my dream job that I love!

The surround myself with positivity goal – In moving cities I have also managed to get away from a few people who have had a negative hold on me. At the same time I think I can say that changing the scenario for my daily life has given me a chance to renew my own attitude and change my own negative views on various issues. 

It was important to me to somehow deal with the situation with my daughter’s father however I wasn’t sure exactly how I would deal with it.  I could go on about all the reasons why I consider him unfit to be a parent but I have learned I must let go of any negativity and embrace the hope of love in everything. So while I do feel there are some positive aspects in the distance between them, I do wish him the best in his own pursuits and acknowledge the loss in him not being able to see his daughter regularly. I do pray and hope that things will only get better for him, for me, and our daughter.

I firmly believe that this is a major turning point in my life and that what I am doing is not just for me but for daughter. Even now I am somewhat nervous about the effect that moving cities will have on my daughter.   Surely having a mother who loves her and wants the best for her will carry her through thick and thin? And of course, soon she will have a great step-father (Another highly important goal to be achieved).

 It is a shame that sometimes family as well as other people who mean well can unknowingly hurt you but that’s how a lot of us can be. I know I have been a negative presence in someone’s life before and I intend to change my life now so I can be a positive and inspiring presence to everyone I meet. All I know is that moving cities has given me room to breathe and start over, something I have tried several times over but now it is different. Being where I am now I may be unemployed and have $3 in my bank account but I am surrounded by love and support and it makes all the difference in the world. It is so much easier to think through my goals, relax and meditate when I am surrounded by a calm and peaceful environment.

So the clock keeps ticking reminding me it’s now March and I have until December to reach my goals…tick, tick, tick…I feel I ought to be in a mad rush to get the ball rolling.  But for now I will relax after all, time is an illusion is it not?  I will continue revising my goals and looking for new ways to achieve them sooner (I’m gonna eat those sly goals one by one) but I am confident at this point that I have taken a good number of steps forward. I am unsure of what will happen next but I’m still moving forward…I am already excited about my third post and what progress I would have made.

a new year, same resolutions, new quiz

Helen Keller
Many persons have the wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.

So we witness the start of another new year, 2011.  I imagine numerous like myself setting out on their pursuit to achieve new years resolutions, while others will be resolving to go against the grain and not set any new years resolutions at all. I have been part of the latter group in other years, however I have long decided it best to be in the first group so I can at least strive to be a better person (or better than last year).

I myself have made several lists which include goals I have had for several years and not yet achieved. While I have given up several times before, I have decided that this year will be different. Why? I can’t say for sure exactly why, but simply because I want this year to be different.

I am a single parent of a beautiful 4 year old girl, the ray of sunshine in my life (corny I know, but it’s true). I am aged 31 going on 32 this year, although I sometimes wake and think I could be 21. Like a lot of people I used to think that by the time I hit the 30 odd mark I would have pretty much lived my life. All the dreams I had as a kid involved adventure and discovery but never past the age of 30. I had no idea what came after 30 except that I’d be like my parents…married with children, working a stable job, settled and grown up.

Well I’ve never been married, never even been close to getting married, although I have one child. Her father is active in her life as long as I continue to push for it which can be very exhausting, however thats another story.  I cannot say I’m settled as since I first left home at 17, I have never lived in any one place or held a single job for longer than 2 years. On the other hand I have managed to study, live and work in five different countries so I can say I have at least managed to get out into the world. I still itch to get out all the time, to explore the rest of the world doing something I love (if I only I knew what that was).

I’m sure there are plenty who could easily pinpoint several psychological theories behind my life’s choices and my current state. However for now, I am mostly concerned about what I can do from hereon – despite whatever limiting beliefs I may still have as a result of my childhood etc. I have made plenty of mistakes, or lessons, as Oprah likes to say “there are no mistakes, only lessons”. So with the new year here I have resolved to experience change and achieve real goals for myself. While I could list them all here now I might save that for another post. 

My main goal is to find out what I love and to do more of it. At first I thought it would be easy enough until I was bombarded with all kinds of barriers – like how do I find time to learn piano again when I have a full-time job and a 4yr old child to care for? how do I pay for the dance class I want to take? will there be a bus to take me to the wealth seminar and bring me home in time to pick up my daughter from daycare before I get fined for a late pickup? It’s crazy what stupid barriers I find myself putting up each time I think I’ve reached a gold mine in life.

So I intend to do as many internet quizzes as I need to and research all the self-help sites I can if it means I can somehow obtain the knowledge required to achieve all my goals. If thousands of people world-wide are changing lives then I have absolute faith I can change mine. I have no idea how but I don’t care as long as I get there. I’ve spent so much time commuting on public transport for hours to work and back, taking my daugher to daycare, to kids birthday parties, the doctors, the dentist, struggling to keep up with payments, working up the courage to ask family to babysit so I can simply have time out etc. Surely there’s more to life than just trying to get by. I once thought it seemed selfish to dare ask for more rather than be grateful for what I do have.

So can I have it all this year? Well I say why not?

Happy New Year!